Concern about somebody's substance use can bring several reactions at once. You may feel worried, frustrated, frightened, angry or unsure whether what you have noticed is significant.
Those feelings can make it tempting to confront the person, demand that they stop or arrive with a list of solutions. But a first conversation does not have to settle everything.
The aim is simpler: talk about what has concerned you, give the person room to respond and think together about what support might be useful.
Start with what you have actually noticed
You do not need to decide that somebody is dependent on alcohol or drugs before you can express concern.
It is often better to begin with something specific you have noticed. Perhaps their behaviour has changed, they have been missing things that matter to them, there have been problems at work or home, or they have told you something about their use that has stayed with you.
Describing what you have seen or heard leaves more room for a conversation than applying a label. There is a difference between saying that you are worried because somebody has missed work several times after drinking and telling them that they are "an alcoholic".
The first describes the concern. The second decides what the problem is before the person has had a chance to speak.
Choose the moment carefully
A sensitive conversation is more likely to be useful when there is time, privacy and as little pressure as possible.
If somebody is intoxicated, very distressed or an argument is already happening, it may not be the right moment for a considered discussion. Where it is safe to do so, waiting until things are calmer can give both people a better chance of listening.
There may never be a perfect time. The point is not to rehearse an ideal conversation, but to avoid beginning one when the circumstances make it especially difficult.
A useful way into the conversation
1Say what is worrying you
Be specific and speak from your own point of view. Explain what you have noticed and why it concerns you rather than trying to prove that the person has a problem.
Give them room to respond
The person may agree, disagree, minimise what is happening, become upset or simply not want to talk. Listen to what they say rather than treating the conversation as a case you have to win.
Ask what would be useful
If they do want help, ask what they think they need. That might mean finding information, making contact with a service, speaking to a GP or simply having another conversation later.
Keep your own role clear
You can listen, encourage and help somebody find support. You cannot make their decisions for them or become responsible for managing their substance use.
What if they don't want to talk?
Raising a concern does not guarantee that somebody will want to discuss it.
They may not see their substance use in the same way you do. They may feel embarrassed, defensive or worried about what will happen if they are honest. They may also need time to think about what you have said.
Unless there is an immediate safety concern or another responsibility that requires action, you do not have to force the conversation to continue. You can make clear that you are willing to talk again and leave some space.
That is not the same as pretending nothing is happening. You can still be honest about how the situation affects you and about any boundaries you need to keep.
Support does not mean taking over
You can care about somebody and still have limits.
Supporting someone does not mean monitoring everything they do, covering up the consequences of their substance use, lending money you cannot afford, accepting behaviour that makes you feel unsafe or becoming their only source of help.
Your own safety and wellbeing matter too.
Be careful with simple instructions to stop
Telling somebody to "just stop" can overlook both the reasons behind their substance use and the possibility of dependence.
For some substances, suddenly stopping after dependence has developed can cause withdrawal. In particular, abruptly stopping alcohol can be medically dangerous for somebody who is dependent.
If dependence may be present, professional advice can help the person understand what a safer next step looks like. Your role is not to design a withdrawal or treatment plan yourself.
When more help is needed
Some situations need more than an informal conversation.
A person may want specialist support with alcohol or drug use, help with their mental health, or support with other pressures such as housing, relationships or money. Current Scottish policy emphasises person-centred support that looks at the person's wider circumstances rather than treating substance use in isolation.
If somebody is in immediate danger, seriously unwell or unable to keep themselves or other people safe, the priority changes from having a good conversation to getting appropriate urgent help.
For less immediate concerns, offering to help somebody explore suitable support can be useful, but it remains their conversation and, where they have capacity to decide, their choice about what happens next.
Sometimes the first conversation is only a beginning
People do not always make a decision about their substance use because somebody raises a concern once.
A conversation can still matter even when nothing obvious changes immediately. Somebody may remember that they were approached without judgement, that another person noticed what was happening and that there is someone they can speak to if they decide they want support.
That is a realistic role for an initial response: noticing, asking, listening and keeping the possibility of further help open.
