Anxiety can create an urge in other people to do something quickly. We may want to reassure, solve the problem, explain why there is nothing to worry about or persuade the person to push through it.
Those responses are usually well meant. They are not always what the person needs.
Someone who is anxious may need time to explain what is happening, some practical help, a quieter situation, support with a next step or simply another person who takes what they are experiencing seriously. The useful starting point is not deciding what should make them feel better. It is finding out what is happening for them and what kind of support they would welcome.
Start with the person, not the label
Anxiety varies considerably from person to person. Two people can be anxious about similar situations and experience them very differently. The same person may also need different things at different times.
If somebody tells you they are anxious, you do not need to work out whether their reaction seems reasonable from the outside. Nor do you need to decide which anxiety condition, if any, might explain it.
It is usually more useful to ask about their experience. What is making things difficult at the moment? What happens when the anxiety becomes stronger? Is there anything they already know makes the situation easier or harder?
That keeps the conversation with the person rather than turning it into an assessment of them.
What can help, and what can add pressure
Responses that may help
- listen without immediately moving to solutions
- take what the person is describing seriously
- ask what would be useful rather than assuming
- give them time to answer and make decisions
- offer practical help where it is wanted
- support them to consider further help if anxiety is becoming difficult to manage
Responses that can add pressure
- telling them to calm down or simply stop worrying
- trying to prove that their fear is irrational
- pushing them into a situation before they feel ready
- taking over decisions that they can make for themselves
- asking so many questions that the conversation feels like an interrogation
- assuming that one approach will work because it helped somebody else
Ask before you act
Somebody may already know what helps when their anxiety increases. They may prefer company, a little space, a quieter place, help making sense of the next task or simply time for the immediate feeling to settle.
Asking gives them a chance to tell you.
Questions such as `Would it help if I stayed with you?`, `Is there anything that usually makes this easier?` or `Would you like help with the next step?` leave room for the person to decide. If they do not know what would help, you can make a suggestion, but it is still a suggestion rather than an instruction.
This matters because anxiety can already make somebody feel that they have lost control of a situation. Support does not need to remove more of that control.
Practical help can be small
Support does not have to mean a long conversation.
If anxiety is making a particular task feel difficult, useful help may be quite practical. Somebody might welcome company while making a phone call, help writing down what they want to say at an appointment, a quieter place to gather their thoughts or help breaking one overwhelming task into smaller parts.
In a workplace, it may sometimes be useful to look at what can reasonably be changed about the immediate situation, rather than treating the anxiety itself as something a colleague or manager must solve. That might mean giving someone a moment away from a busy environment or agreeing what the next practical priority is.
The important part is that the help responds to what the person actually needs. Doing everything for somebody can be just as unhelpful as doing nothing, particularly if it leaves them feeling that decisions are being made around them rather than with them.
Reassurance is not always as reassuring as it sounds
When somebody is worried, phrases such as `there's nothing to worry about` or `it will be fine` can come out almost automatically.
Sometimes reassurance is welcome. At other times, it can feel as though the person has not been heard. If the anxiety is strong, explaining why their fear does not make logical sense may not make the feeling disappear either.
A more useful response can be to acknowledge what is happening without agreeing with every anxious thought. You might recognise that the situation feels difficult, ask what part is most worrying them or give them time to describe what is going through their mind.
The aim is not to confirm that something bad will happen. It is to take the person's experience seriously enough to understand it.
Encouraging further help without taking over
There may be times when anxiety is persistent, difficult to manage or having a significant effect on everyday life. In those circumstances, encouraging somebody to speak to an appropriate health professional can be useful.
Encouragement can still leave the person in control. You might ask whether they have considered speaking to their GP practice or another appropriate professional, offer to help them find information, or help them prepare for an appointment if they want that support.
What is less useful is turning encouragement into pressure or taking responsibility for arranging everything without their agreement.
There are exceptions where somebody's immediate safety requires urgent action, but ordinary supportive conversations should not quietly turn one person into the manager of another person's mental health.
Support does not mean becoming responsible for the anxiety
You can listen, offer practical help and encourage further support without becoming responsible for making the anxiety go away.
Keeping that boundary clear is part of supporting somebody well. One person should not have to become another person's only source of help.
What matters most in the conversation
There is no single response that will be right for every anxious person or every situation.
A useful approach is to stay curious rather than certain: listen to what the person says, ask what would help, avoid unnecessary pressure and be realistic about the support you can provide.
That is different from standing back and doing nothing. It is a way of being helpful without assuming that you know exactly what the person needs or that it is your job to fix what they are experiencing.
